My Doctor Prescribed Me Anti-depressants ...Again

 Hi. It's me again.

So, yeah...my new diabetes doctor had prescribed me a new set of fun pills to try. A little fun pill called: 

LEXAPRO aka Escitalopram

Lexapro is an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor) to treat depression and general anxiety disorders.

In my case, also for skin picking.

I was recently on Zoloft aka Sertraline, Ambilify aka Aripiprazole and switched to Venlafaxine aka Effexor. I was on Zoloft for the longest term than the other ones. It wasn't bad, but I also gained some weight and was numb most of the time. I noticed my skin-picking went away for a bit (not completely but significantly less) but my emotions were basically non-existent. I did have some mental break downs during it but it wasn't as bad as how I was prior to it. 

The main reason I decided to get help with my mental health was one day when I felt I couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted to not feel anymore. I remember that night. I felt so cold. Not just on the outside, but inside as well. I couldn't stop bawling my eyes out and I had also knocked out from all the crying and then awake with more crying. It was a definite low for me. The lowest I have every felt. 

So, I spoke with my husband about it (he was there when it happened) and he was very supportive of it. I was a bit anxious but I wanted to get help. So, that's how I first got into taking anti-depressants. 

Now, to the reason why I stopped. 

When my other doctor had told me to add Ambilify with my Zoloft, it wasn't for long. I mentioned about my sex drive being non-existent and my slight weight gain. So, my doctor had changed me to Venlafaxine (Effexor).

THAT WAS THE CAUSE.

I can barely remember how it felt being on it...but, I do remember quite clearly how I felt NOT on it. 

One day, I realized I ran out of the pills or was about to run out but, my doctor was on vacation or something of that sort and it was the weekend. I couldn't get a hold of anyone in the doctor's office and I even called my pharmacy regarding it but they couldn't help me (of course). So, I thought I could truck it through the weekend without it.

But, my oh my! That was TORTURE. 

When I say "torture"...I really mean it. The first night was okay. I felt lethargic and had headache. But then, the second day...something was up. I felt so dizzy and nauseous and had that sensation of you spinning around on a swivel office chair for a long time and then getting off of it. I was throwing up and could not keep down food. It got worse and worse where I could barely open my eyes and would throw up nothing else but stomach bile because I haven't eaten or drink anything (so sorry for the graphic texts). It got to the point where my sister-in-law told my husband to take me to the ER because I was most likely dehydrated.

I was shivering so much and could barely keep myself up. I had to go inside the emergency room by myself due to covid restrictions. And I was there for hours. They put me on an IV and basically sent me home afterwards. I felt a little better but still not 100%. Let alone, the job I was working at during the time did not understand my health issues. Of course, they wanted me to come in even if I was throwing up a storm. Let's just say, the place I worked at, did not care for a human being. 

Anyways, Venlafaxine/Effexor was the most horrible withdrawal I have experienced. It was so intense that I weaned myself off of it so I could feel better. And eventually, I did. It felt good to get off anti-depressants. I guess I felt okay. I had the occasional sadness and such...but definitely didn't feel numb anymore. 

It's been about maybe 4 months or so since I weaned off of anti-depressants completely. But now, my new diabetes doctor had prescribed me that new fun pill. I started just 2 days ago and have only had 2 doses. I'm going to document my day to day or weekly update on it. I feel anxious about it and I really didn't want to be on anti-depressants again. But, we'll see.

Written by: Mary Desiree

It's Been A While...My Introduction

So, as my title states...it's been a while. And when I say "a while", what I actually mean is, "it's been about a decade".

I used to write a lot, or blog per se. I used to do A LOT of things back then. 

Wow, it makes it seem like I'm like super old. 

I'm only 31 turning 32. It's crazy how the older you get with more responsibilities added to your daily life, that it can add a few more years into you. I've grown to notice how much I've changed in the past 10 years and let's just say, there have been moments of regret. Not really regret...I can't quite put a finger on the word as of right now but hopefully I will get there.

As a busy working mom of two kids (and a pet mom as well), it can be quite exhausting. While my husband does some of the labor work, I believe it's safe to say that I do majority of the mental work. Hah! That sounds like I'm a crazy lunatic over here. Not at all (or at least I don't think I am - we'll get to that part later haha).

I. AM. EXHAUSTED.

Mentally, I've had a rocky past 4-5 years. Gradually, I realized how much my mental health has suffered. And this is in no means anything that has to do with anybody - let alone my husband and kids. They are the light in my life (even though at times it gets a bit crazy). It all has to do with me. And my past traumas and just overall...ME. I was an only child who found out my "dad" (aka my sperm donor [I do not have a relationship with him]), ALSO had two other kids with two different women. So, I have two half-siblings back in my country of origin. Two sisters. Anyways, back to me being an only child. 

My grandmother was the one that raised me as both my "parents" were incompetent to raise a baby during those times. Some of you may feel like I may be ungrateful. But, picture this. A little baby who needs milk and proper care, being "taken care of" by two people who weren't in the best mental state and made really poor choices (like selling my milk for drugs, poor living conditions, and giving me a gift like a bunny one day and then taking it away and selling it for more drugs). Let's just say, it was not a good situation.

My grandmother on my "mother's" side (also...she's basically just a surrogate at this point --- you'll get to know more about her or not later on), was the only person who basically took care of me. My grandmother passed away in 2014. That was the year when my life had a big turn of events. Not only did the passing of my grandmother and the years to follow created a big shift in my life, I think it really "broke" my family apart (amongst other underlying family issues). I cut ties with my "family" from my grandmother's side about 3 years ago? I don't quite remember that much. 

I'm kind of going all over the place on my first blog post. Typical me. Haha!

Well, let's leave this part of my introduction for now. I wanted to post about my mental health and perhaps in those posts, we shall continue the "getting-to-know-me" part.

Not that anybody really reads random people's journal entries anymore...but, this is for me. If you wanna join the ride into my crazy life, feel free to join! Just hold on to your hats because it's a one big rollercoaster ride with many twists and turns. I'm still going through it so we shall see how it goes. As for now, I'll be seeing you.

Written by: Mary Desiree